Written by Tabby Biddle
A good friend revealed to me recently that when she first got married, she found herself doing all sorts of “Little Miss Homemaker things.” She was ironing her husband’s shirts, making him lunch, and waiting for him to come home at the end of the day. “I have never ironed in my life!” she said. “I don’t know what came over me.” This was a woman who had been on her own for 15 years, was successful in her career, and was what most would call an “independent woman.”
Something shifted though when she got married. She began to lose her sense of independence and started to crave being protected and cared for by her husband. She started losing focus on her career, would often second-guess her decisions, and felt her ambition dwindling.
On September 17, Arianna Huffington wrote a blog in The Huffington Post entitled, “The Sad Shocking Truth About How Women Are Feeling.” She was responding to a series of studies conducted by The General Social Survey that showed women are becoming more and more unhappy.
Arianna asks: “When you think about all that has happened over the last four decades — with women securing greater opportunity, greater achievement, greater influence, and more money — the decline in our collective state of mind seems to defy logic, and raises the vexing question: What in the world is going on?”
Although there is some controversy over the studies, the issues being raised are 
important ones. For example, last week Maureen Dowd in The New York Times wrote a piece titled, “Blue Is the New Black.” In it she says: “When women stepped into male-dominated realms, they put more demands — and stress — on themselves. If they once judged themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens and dinner parties, now they judge themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens, dinner parties — and grad school, work, office deadlines and meshing a two-career marriage.”
I think it’s hard to argue against the idea that the expansion of women’s roles has brought on more stress for women due to the shear demand of responsibility. Add this to what Maureen Dowd talks about — a wider audience of judgment (women, don’t we all want to be perfect?). What’s missing here is a mention of perhaps a deeper stress that comes from an ambiguity that certain psychologists and sociologists believe lies within women. Hint: Think of my friend above.
Ever hear of the Cinderella Complex?
Colette Dowling, New York psychotherapist and author of The Cinderella Complex, says that women have a deeply embedded wish to be taken care of and “saved.” She 
says in her bestseller book: “We may not always recognize it … but it exists within us all, emerging when we least expect it, permeating our dreams, dampening our ambitions.” Ms. Dowling suggests that this wish goes back to the days of cave living, when man’s greater physical strength was needed to protect mothers and children from the wild – but, she says, such a wish is no longer appropriate or constructive.
Or is it?
Although Ms. Dowling published her book more than 25 years ago, these questions apply today. Is it possible for women today to be independent, ambitious, successful career women and at the same time still be taken care of and “protected” by a partner? Or is our secret need to be “saved and protected” sabotaging our ambitions and fulfillment as successful, career women?
What do you think?
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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and emerging authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.
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Hi Tabby,
This is a very good question, and I too struggle everyday with the conflict of being “saved” vs. having an independent life/career. I don’t know what the answer is, and would love to hear if someone has somehow made it work or been able to combine the two. I look forward to sharing what we find.
Love,
Ingrid
Thanks Ingrid for sharing. I’d like to hear from more women about this too. I think as we share our stories, the answers will start to reveal themselves — and more self-compassion will arise (which I think is one of the answers to the issue). I think so much of what women struggle with is feeling like they are the only one going through a certain something. When they share, there is a powerful healing that takes place. That’s my 2 cents.
Hi Tabby,
Your blog got me thinking about the old saying “perfect is the enemy of good.”. If anyone- women included – tries to judge themselves by many standards they will be unhappy.Wanting to be protected is a basic human need but certainly one can’t let that urge take over and eclipse the rest of life. I look forward to your blogs!
Hi Tabby,
I wonder, would it be less of stress for women who were trying to work and raise families, if we were actually paid equally? AND men and women both are not paid to meet the cost of living. Horrid statistics indicate we are earning about what we did back in the 70s, when you adjust for inflation…
Just found your blog – looking forward to reading more soon,
Toni
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